‘It was annoying at the time, but…’: Harvard student shares 3 parenting rules her mother followed that helped shape her success

‘It was annoying at the time, but…’: Harvard student shares 3 parenting rules her mother followed that helped shape her success

Every parent wants their child to grow up disciplined, independent and considerate of others. But building these qualities does not always require elaborate lessons or strict academic schedules. Sometimes, it begins with small rules that children may resist at first but come to understand as they grow older.A Harvard student recently shared her childhood experiences in a video on Instagram. She offered a glimpse into her mother’s three parenting practices she believes helped shape her.

In the video shared on her account, @oliviazhangofficial, Zhang takes turns with her mother discussing the rules she grew up with and how she views them today.Her experiences offer parents three ideas to consider at home. The goal is not to replicate her upbringing exactly, but to understand how consistent family habits can help children develop useful skills.

1. Set clear screen-time boundaries instead of negotiating every day

Zhang’s first childhood rule concerned television, movies and YouTube. In her household, entertainment screen time was reserved for Friday and Saturday nights.“Only Fridays and Saturdays were allowed for movie night or screen time,” she recalls. “Meaning we could not watch YouTube, watch movies, TV shows, any of that unless it was Friday or Saturday night.”She admits that the rule was frustrating at the time. However, as an adult, she sees how having a predictable schedule helped her manage distractions and gave her something to look forward to.“It motivated me personally to work hard throughout the week because then I had a reward to look forward to,” she says.What parents can do: Instead of repeatedly arguing with children about when they can watch television or use a phone, establish a clear, age-appropriate family rule. This could mean watching a favourite programme after homework, having screen-free mealtimes or reserving certain periods for family entertainment.The important thing is to make the boundary predictable. Children should know what is allowed, when it is allowed and what they can do instead.Parents should also avoid turning every completed task into a transaction in which children expect a reward for behaving responsibly. Screen time can be part of a family routine without becoming the only reason a child studies, reads or completes homework.Research supports paying attention to children’s media habits. The American Academy of Pediatrics, in its guidance on media use among school-aged children and adolescents, recommends that families establish media rules suited to their children’s needs and ensure screen use does not displace sleep, physical activity, learning and other important activities.A weekend-only rule may suit some households but not others. Parents should consider the child’s age, school schedule, sleep needs and the kind of content being consumed. Consistency matters more than copying another family’s exact timetable.

2. Teach children to show gratitude through small, repeated actions

The second practice Zhang remembers was her mother’s emphasis on acknowledging people who had helped or taught them.She recalls her mother bringing home gift boxes and chocolates around the holidays and separating them for schoolteachers, arts teachers and sports instructors.“She taught us from a very young age that you need to be grateful and give back to every single person who has ever taught you or mentored you,” Zhang says.The lesson extended beyond presents. Her mother expected the children to make hand-drawn holiday cards for their teachers. Zhang says she continues to acknowledge people who have supported her, even keeping a spreadsheet of those she wants to message at Christmas.“I keep like a spreadsheet of all the people every single Christmas who I need to text and say thank you and Merry Christmas to,” she explains.For parents, the useful takeaway is that gratitude becomes more meaningful when children practise it, rather than hearing repeated instructions to say “thank you”.What parents can do: Help children notice the effort behind the things they receive. If a teacher stays back to explain a difficult lesson, ask your child how they might acknowledge that help. If a grandparent spends time preparing their favourite meal, encourage them to express appreciation in their own words.You can also introduce small family rituals: making a card for a teacher, thanking someone who helped with a school project or remembering relatives who have supported the family.Avoid making gratitude dependent on expensive gifts or forcing children to perform politeness without understanding it. The aim is to help them recognise another person’s effort and respond sincerely.Research offers some support for this approach. A study published in Developmental Psychology, “Grateful and kind: The prosocial function of gratitude in young children’s relationships”, examined gratitude and prosocial behaviour in children aged three to six. Across three experiments, researchers found that eliciting gratitude increased helping or sharing in the situations studied.The study does not establish that writing thank-you cards will produce the same results in every child. However, it supports the broader idea that gratitude and considerate behaviour can be connected.Parents can also model this behaviour themselves. Children who regularly see adults acknowledging domestic workers, teachers, relatives and colleagues have opportunities to learn that respect is not limited to people who hold positions of authority.

3. Make learning a regular habit, but keep it meaningful

Zhang’s third example was learning Mandarin. She says she attended Chinese school from around the age of five until high school, even though the classes sometimes meant giving up time with friends.“Some classes I liked, but I also kind of dreaded it because I would spend hours every single Sunday and I wouldn’t get to hang out with my friends,” she recalls.Today, she appreciates the effort her parents put into helping her learn the language.“I think being bilingual is so important,” she says, explaining that she can read, write and speak Mandarin fluently.Her parents also encouraged her to practise at home. While she was preparing for her AP Chinese examination, they would respond only when she spoke to them in Chinese.“My parents would not answer me in the house at all unless I spoke back to them in Chinese,” she says. “And, like, that forced me to practice.”What parents can do: If you want your child to learn a language, musical instrument, sport or another skill, focus on regular practice rather than occasional bursts of enthusiasm. A manageable routine, repeated over time, can help a child build familiarity and confidence.For language learning, families can use stories, songs, conversations with relatives and age-appropriate books. In Indian households, this can also mean helping children retain a mother tongue while learning English or another language.However, consistency should not mean ignoring a child’s frustration. If classes become overwhelming or a child struggles to keep up, parents can reassess the workload, teaching method or schedule. The aim is to build a lasting skill, not make learning a source of constant conflict.Research on bilingual development, including the review “Bilingualism in the Early Years: What the Science Says”, discusses how children learn and develop proficiency in two languages. Early exposure can be beneficial, but the experience a child gets with each language also matters. Learning a language later is possible, too.Parents therefore need not assume that missing an early window will permanently disadvantage their child. What they can do is create regular, meaningful opportunities to use the language they want their child to learn.

The parenting lesson: Consistency matters more than copying the rules

Zhang’s experience is a reminder that the habits children develop at home can extend beyond childhood. A predictable screen-time routine, opportunities to express gratitude and regular practice of a skill are all approaches parents can adapt to their own circumstances.But these are not guaranteed routes to academic success, and Zhang’s account does not prove that these three rules caused her achievements. Children differ in temperament, interests and needs, and a rule that works for one family may not work for another.Parents can start small: agree on a screen-time routine, make gratitude part of everyday conversations, or set aside a few minutes each day for a skill their child wants to develop.The key is to explain the reason behind a rule, model the behaviour themselves and adjust the approach when it is not working. Rather than expecting children to appreciate every boundary immediately, parents can give them time to understand its purpose.Sometimes, the habits children carry into adulthood begin with ordinary things repeated at home, long before they recognise their value.