Psychology says children who tell one parent everything but hide things from the other may not always be about who they feel closer to

“Mom already knows.” “Dad doesn’t need to know.” Some children seem to have a clear choice about which parent gets to hear the full story. They may talk freely with one parent about school, friends, mistakes, crushes, arguments or something embarrassing that happened during the day. But when the other parent asks the same question, the conversation suddenly becomes much shorter. It can leave parents wondering: Why does my child tell them everything but barely tell me anything? Research on parent-child disclosure suggests that children do not necessarily share the same information with both parents. The difference can depend on the subject, the relationship they have with each parent and, importantly, how they expect the parent to respond.

Children learn what happens after they talk

A child does not need to consciously think, “Mum will react better than Dad” every time they decide whom to approach. They may have learned it through repeated experiences. If one parent usually listens first, asks questions and helps the child work through a problem, the child may come to expect that kind of response. If the other parent tends to become angry, lecture them, immediately look for a solution or turn a small mistake into a larger discussion, the child may become more selective about what they share. Research has found a link between parental reactions and later disclosure.A study involving 982 young people examined how parents’ positive and negative reactions to disclosure were related to children’s information-sharing. Negative reactions were associated with feeling more controlled and less connected to parents, which was then linked with increased secrecy and less disclosure. Positive reactions were associated with greater connection and more disclosure. That does not mean one angry conversation makes a child stop talking forever. It suggests that patterns of response can shape what children decide to share over time.

A child may not tell both parents the same things

The subject itself can also matter. A 2006 study of 276 adolescents and their parents found that adolescents disclosed more to mothers than fathers, particularly about personal matters. Greater trust and parental acceptance were associated with more disclosure and less secrecy. A newer study of 214 middle adolescents also found different patterns of disclosure to mothers and fathers. The largest group in the study disclosed more to mothers than fathers, particularly about personal and multifaceted issues. So a child telling one parent about a friendship problem while saying nothing to the other does not automatically mean they love or trust one parent more. They may simply feel that one parent is easier to approach about that particular subject.

“What will happen if I tell them?”

For children, the expected reaction can be as important as the information itself. Imagine a child who has received a poor test score. With one parent, they may expect: “Let’s see what went wrong.” With the other, they may expect: “How could you get this mark?” Even before the conversation happens, that expectation can affect whether the child starts talking. Research on 118 early and middle adolescents found that concerns about parental disapproval were one reason adolescents chose not to disclose certain behaviours. For personal matters, some adolescents considered the information private or not harmful enough to share. The study also found that better parent-child relationships were associated with fuller disclosure. This becomes particularly relevant as children grow older. They start making more decisions about what they consider personal and how much parents need to know.

One parent can become the child’s first choice

There can also be much simpler reasons for the difference. One parent may be around more during bedtime. Another may drive the child to school every morning. One may regularly help with homework, while the other spends more time playing or talking at dinner. Small, repeated interactions can make one parent the person the child naturally approaches. Research supports the importance of responsiveness in these conversations. A seven-day study involving 109 mother-adolescent pairs found that adolescents disclosed more to their mothers on days when they perceived their mothers as more responsive than usual.

What parents should not do

Finding out that a child tells the other parent more can hurt. But turning it into an accusation may make the child even less willing to talk. Questions such as “Why do you tell your mother everything but me?” or “Don’t you trust me?” can shift the conversation away from what the child was trying to share and towards the parent’s feelings. A calmer response can leave the door open: “You can tell me things even if you’re worried about how I’ll react.” “If you think I’ll be upset, you can tell me that too.” “I’m listening. Tell me what happened.” And when the child finally shares something, the first response does not always have to be advice. Sometimes listening without immediately correcting, judging or solving the problem gives the child a reason to come back next time.A child does not have to tell both parents exactly the same things. They may talk to one parent about friendships and another about school. They may tell one parent about an embarrassing incident but go to the other when they are angry. As children become teenagers, they may also consider some parts of their lives personal. That is not automatically a problem. The bigger concern is when a child consistently hides important information because they are afraid of a parent’s reaction, expect punishment or believe they will not be heard.